How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
