I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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