It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
