this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
