I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
