Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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