So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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