She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
