i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
