i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
