Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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