Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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