I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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