Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
