I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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