I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Terrible idea I love it
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
