Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wish there were birth control emojis
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
