just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
