Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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