You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
