You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
