why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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