I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
