there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
false alarm, still single
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Pooping to opera.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
