she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
