I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
