uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
