it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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