Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
