I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
