I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
