i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
