You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
one might say we're banned from that church
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize