His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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