Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
