Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
