you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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