i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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