ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
