I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
