Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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