Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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