I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
