I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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