Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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