It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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