at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it's like iHOP with fire
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
