dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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