This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
