do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
