I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
