You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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